selfcareafterrape:

I get a lot of questions about the two sides of the feelings coin.
Either ‘I don’t feel anything, how do I go about doing this again.’ or ‘I FEEL EVERYTHING SO MUCH HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP’.
Both of them are a question about learning how to feel again- usually in appropriate amounts. And the advice is pretty much the same for either side of the coin.
1. Check in with yourself regularly.
Right now, how do you feel? Are you tired? Are you hungry? Are you in pain? All of these things could contribute to how we feel emotionally.  Some people, especially survivors of childhood abuse, have learned to turn off their emotions when they are in physical pain. They learned to ‘turn off’ physical needs because it wasn’t safe to need them and because they learned early on that they would be denied if they did speak out.
Checking in and recognizing both our physical needs and how we feel allows us to address these things early on before they either get locked down and tucked away- or bubble out in a way you’d prefer they not.
If you aren’t used to checking in with yourself, make it a habit and decide on what should trigger it. Do you want to check in with yourself every time your phone buzzes? Every time you fiddle with that necklace you wear? You enter a new room? It may feel odd to consciously check into your emotions all the time- but it will enable you to start doing it subconsciously.
2. Increase your emotional vocab.
A common problem is that people don’t know what to call what they feel and that makes it easier to feel out of control.
Experiment. Find what works for you.
Some people use code words to deal with their feelings. I talked before about a friendship in which ‘Turtles’ was a word that kind of represented bad feelings. This was nice in terms of talking about emotions- because as a survivor of childhood not goodness… I still struggle with connecting to my emotions sometimes. Being able to say ‘The turtles are acting up’ instead of ‘I am feeling triggered/agitated/angry’ allowed me to acknowledge the feelings but also give me a safe distance.
Others make up new words. Which is kind of like codewords- but the word doesn’t exist in the first place. Consider people saying that they feel ‘Hangry’, a mixture of hungry and angry. Or I used to say I was ‘Fucktional’ which meant I wasn’t doing well but I could handle what was going on. Smash together words, take things out- do whatever works for you.
Or there are things like this chart, which gives a lot of different emotion words- as well as where they typically fall in intensity.
Having words to describe what we feel helps us better cope with them.
3. Visualize.
This is one that really works for visual learners. As a teen whenever I had a break down, I imagined a shattered bottle. I mentally put back together the bottle in my head, put everything back inside of it- and stoppered it up. I don’t advise stoppering up your emotions anymore, but as someone who was ricocheting between two abusive situations- it was one of the ways I survived.
Now when I’m in a place where I feel like breaking down, but it isn’t safe yet- I mentally envision putting my emotions into a box with a lock and putting them under a bed. I promise myself that I’ll come back to them later when it’s safe to do so.
I know someone who envisions her anxiety like a hurricane. Whenever she gets really anxious she allows herself to recognize the hurricane, and then envisions it slowly calming down and pass over. This enables her to calm down panic attacks before they happen.
I know someone else who imagines her anger as a fuzzy monster. She has a policy that she is allowed to be angry and that anger can be productive- but that she needs to be aware that a lot of people are afraid of anger, and sometimes rightfully so. She uses her imagery to remind herself of that- and to remind her to keep it on a leash and never take it out on innocent bystanders.
An older woman I once talked to told me that happiness and contentness grow in gardens. That happiness is bright flowers and contentness is sprawling vines. Both are beautiful, but contentness a little easier to grow and tends to stick around longer. They require work to keep around, but sometimes, even with no effort at all, they will pop up unexpectedly. Sometimes people get annoyed when all they have is greens and their flowers don’t grow, but it’s important to recognize that the greens are good too and that seasons come and go and that the flowers will come back with a bit of hard work and a bit of good luck.
4. Create plans of action.
What will you do when you’re sad?
What will you do when you’re angry?
What is a good way to celebrate being happy?
What will you do when you’re scared?
Taking time to problem solve and know what will happen, can make it easier to manage emotions in the future. Instead of blocking them out, honor that they are there and respond in turn. If you’re scared, there probably is a reason- even if it is only ‘it reminds me of the part’. Remind yourself that you aren’t in the past, and take a second to consciously go over why you’re safe now. When you’re angry, find constructive ways to deal with that. Make art. Talk it out.  Find something to do to get rid of the excess energy.
5. Give yourself time to feel things.
When I was first learning to cry, the only time I cried was at poetry readings. I could feel sadness and I could cry over other people’s pain, but not so much my own. Doing things like attending open mics, or watching movies that make you cry, is often a first step for those who have spent time ignoring their emotions.
For those struggling to get angry at those that hurt them, find it gets a little bit easier when they connect with others and get angry at someone else’s situation first.
Make a specified time where you can feel things. It may be daily or weekly or monthly. It could just be fifteen minutes a day or going to an event each month or a few hours on the weekend. Find something that works for you.
Allow yourself time to get angry. To get sad. To cry. To hurt. To feel.
and yes, often times in the beginning, it’s a lot of negative emotions. But we’ve been bottling this negative emotions up for years. They need to be released. Once they’ve been dealt with, or at the least, the brain recognizes that you’ll take time to deal with them regularly, it becomes a lot safer and easier for the more positive emotions to come up.
Respect your emotions because they are a part of you. And you, you are wonderful. You don’t need to be fixed, you just need some more tools so that you can show off a better version of yourself and so that you can spend more time feeling good about who you are.
6. Take time to self-soothe after letting off excess bad emotions.
Some people feel better right after they cry or make art or talk about what happened.
For a lot of us though, it releases the pressure but we still feel shaky. And sometimes we use this as a reason not to deal with emotions in the future. It’s important to set time aside to feel, but it’s also important to take care of ourselves afterward. Especially in the beginning.

Some really great tips in here. 

selfcareafterrape:

I get a lot of questions about the two sides of the feelings coin.

Either ‘I don’t feel anything, how do I go about doing this again.’ or ‘I FEEL EVERYTHING SO MUCH HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP’.

Both of them are a question about learning how to feel again- usually in appropriate amounts. And the advice is pretty much the same for either side of the coin.

1. Check in with yourself regularly.

Right now, how do you feel? Are you tired? Are you hungry? Are you in pain? All of these things could contribute to how we feel emotionally.  Some people, especially survivors of childhood abuse, have learned to turn off their emotions when they are in physical pain. They learned to ‘turn off’ physical needs because it wasn’t safe to need them and because they learned early on that they would be denied if they did speak out.

Checking in and recognizing both our physical needs and how we feel allows us to address these things early on before they either get locked down and tucked away- or bubble out in a way you’d prefer they not.

If you aren’t used to checking in with yourself, make it a habit and decide on what should trigger it. Do you want to check in with yourself every time your phone buzzes? Every time you fiddle with that necklace you wear? You enter a new room? It may feel odd to consciously check into your emotions all the time- but it will enable you to start doing it subconsciously.

2. Increase your emotional vocab.

A common problem is that people don’t know what to call what they feel and that makes it easier to feel out of control.

Experiment. Find what works for you.

Some people use code words to deal with their feelings. I talked before about a friendship in which ‘Turtles’ was a word that kind of represented bad feelings. This was nice in terms of talking about emotions- because as a survivor of childhood not goodness… I still struggle with connecting to my emotions sometimes. Being able to say ‘The turtles are acting up’ instead of ‘I am feeling triggered/agitated/angry’ allowed me to acknowledge the feelings but also give me a safe distance.

Others make up new words. Which is kind of like codewords- but the word doesn’t exist in the first place. Consider people saying that they feel ‘Hangry’, a mixture of hungry and angry. Or I used to say I was ‘Fucktional’ which meant I wasn’t doing well but I could handle what was going on. Smash together words, take things out- do whatever works for you.

Or there are things like this chart, which gives a lot of different emotion words- as well as where they typically fall in intensity.

Having words to describe what we feel helps us better cope with them.

3. Visualize.

This is one that really works for visual learners. As a teen whenever I had a break down, I imagined a shattered bottle. I mentally put back together the bottle in my head, put everything back inside of it- and stoppered it up. I don’t advise stoppering up your emotions anymore, but as someone who was ricocheting between two abusive situations- it was one of the ways I survived.

Now when I’m in a place where I feel like breaking down, but it isn’t safe yet- I mentally envision putting my emotions into a box with a lock and putting them under a bed. I promise myself that I’ll come back to them later when it’s safe to do so.

I know someone who envisions her anxiety like a hurricane. Whenever she gets really anxious she allows herself to recognize the hurricane, and then envisions it slowly calming down and pass over. This enables her to calm down panic attacks before they happen.

I know someone else who imagines her anger as a fuzzy monster. She has a policy that she is allowed to be angry and that anger can be productive- but that she needs to be aware that a lot of people are afraid of anger, and sometimes rightfully so. She uses her imagery to remind herself of that- and to remind her to keep it on a leash and never take it out on innocent bystanders.

An older woman I once talked to told me that happiness and contentness grow in gardens. That happiness is bright flowers and contentness is sprawling vines. Both are beautiful, but contentness a little easier to grow and tends to stick around longer. They require work to keep around, but sometimes, even with no effort at all, they will pop up unexpectedly. Sometimes people get annoyed when all they have is greens and their flowers don’t grow, but it’s important to recognize that the greens are good too and that seasons come and go and that the flowers will come back with a bit of hard work and a bit of good luck.

4. Create plans of action.

What will you do when you’re sad?

What will you do when you’re angry?

What is a good way to celebrate being happy?

What will you do when you’re scared?

Taking time to problem solve and know what will happen, can make it easier to manage emotions in the future. Instead of blocking them out, honor that they are there and respond in turn. If you’re scared, there probably is a reason- even if it is only ‘it reminds me of the part’. Remind yourself that you aren’t in the past, and take a second to consciously go over why you’re safe now. When you’re angry, find constructive ways to deal with that. Make art. Talk it out.  Find something to do to get rid of the excess energy.

5. Give yourself time to feel things.

When I was first learning to cry, the only time I cried was at poetry readings. I could feel sadness and I could cry over other people’s pain, but not so much my own. Doing things like attending open mics, or watching movies that make you cry, is often a first step for those who have spent time ignoring their emotions.

For those struggling to get angry at those that hurt them, find it gets a little bit easier when they connect with others and get angry at someone else’s situation first.

Make a specified time where you can feel things. It may be daily or weekly or monthly. It could just be fifteen minutes a day or going to an event each month or a few hours on the weekend. Find something that works for you.

Allow yourself time to get angry. To get sad. To cry. To hurt. To feel.

and yes, often times in the beginning, it’s a lot of negative emotions. But we’ve been bottling this negative emotions up for years. They need to be released. Once they’ve been dealt with, or at the least, the brain recognizes that you’ll take time to deal with them regularly, it becomes a lot safer and easier for the more positive emotions to come up.

Respect your emotions because they are a part of you. And you, you are wonderful. You don’t need to be fixed, you just need some more tools so that you can show off a better version of yourself and so that you can spend more time feeling good about who you are.

6. Take time to self-soothe after letting off excess bad emotions.

Some people feel better right after they cry or make art or talk about what happened.

For a lot of us though, it releases the pressure but we still feel shaky. And sometimes we use this as a reason not to deal with emotions in the future. It’s important to set time aside to feel, but it’s also important to take care of ourselves afterward. Especially in the beginning.

Some really great tips in here. 

(via posttraumaticsamdisorder)

communication self-care self-positivity

Good Idea, Bad Idea: Using Bathroom Items For Masturbation

condomdepot:

Good Idea, Bad Idea: Using Bathroom Items For Masturbation

image

We get it. You’re in the shower, soaping up all your various bits. And then you pay a little extra attention to various bits. And then a little… extra-extra attention. You know what I mean. But no lube or toys on hand, what do you use to get your yank on safely? And what should you really, REALLY avoid?

(more…)

View On WordPress

Be sexy and be safe!

(via condomdepot)

masturbation sex safety

Let’s talk about triggers

damegreywulf:

  • First thing’s first: what is a trigger?

A trigger is something that directly causes something else to happen.

In psychology, the term “trigger” is usually defined two ways: something that awakens mental disability in someone, or something that causes someone, typically a person with a mental disability, to have a (usually strong) negative reaction.

The first definition typically refers to people who are likely or prone to have a mental disability, such as through a rich family history of it, but didn’t yet have symptoms until triggered, often by a traumatic event or drug abuse.

But the second definition is what we’re here to talk about.

Triggers often take the form of a particular word, visual, or subject, that will cause a negative reaction in someone. The use of the term has surged in popularity on Tumblr, and spread a bit to other parts of the Internet, as websites have become more useful and accommodating to help people avoid things that will hurt them. Because of this, people are asked to make “trigger warnings” using these tools.

  • So what is a trigger warning?

A trigger warning is a warning made to the audience that a post, video, article, and so forth may contain upsetting (“triggering" - we’ll get to this) content.

It typically comes in the form of a tag or as a statement at the start of the video, article, post, etc

The intention is that what is about to be shown is apparent before the audience actually views the item in question. People use browser scripts to remove possibly triggering content as it comes, as well as simply avoiding the content the moment they spot the warning.

This isn’t an uncommon or new tactic. Media content in most countries is legally obligated to warn of certain content. While most often you can’t count these as actual trigger warnings, as they are very generalized and more often for the purpose of keeping minors from this content, sometimes companies take initiative to make more specific warnings that could be compared.

It’s generally considered a decent thing to do to warn your audience of content they may be triggered by or content they asked for you to mark.

  • All right, so what is triggering, or being triggered?

Triggering is a verb and an adjective. The act of triggering is causing someone a negative reaction based on a trigger they have. Something that is triggering is something that has caused or may cause a negative reaction.

Being triggered means that a person is having or has had a negative reaction as a result of their trigger.

The act of being triggered can present itself in a myriad of ways. Some people have immediate, extreme reactions (such as a panic attack), and some people have drawn-out, “low” reactions (such as being significantly depressed for a length of time), and everything in between as well as far different from this spectrum. Some people can still function to a degree when triggered, and some can’t function at all.

There isn’t a singular way everyone reacts to their triggers. That’s not how psychology works.

  • Why do people get triggered? What can trigger people?

Everything has the potential to be a trigger, because the human experience is vast and unique, and so there are possible situations and environments and events that can cause anything to be a trigger.

People have triggers because of bad things. Bad things that happen to them, or people they care about, or bad things they saw, or bad things they were a part of, and so on. Depending on how you define traumatic*, you could say triggers are a result of trauma.

Even the most seemingly benign things could be a trigger for someone. Because of this, it’s impossible to predict all possible triggering content when making warnings. This is why it’s important to be open minded with your followers and encourage them to tell you what they need marked.

(*As my therapist has taught me, traumatic can actually have a broader definition than what most people believe. When people think of trauma, they always think of something significantly horrible happening to someone that causes them violent change in their mentality. In reality, it doesn’t necessarily have to be a single event or something we’d define as bad. For example, he said, he was traumatized when he accidentally smashed his arms through a window when he was young. It was a pure accident and not a situation of great fear or emotion, and yet it still affected him for years until he found ways to treat it. A long history of neglect by someone you regard significantly can also be considered traumatic, as another example. Essentially, trauma is more defined by whether something causes a lasting negative effect.)

  • But then what is a content warning?

A content warning is different from a trigger warning in that its purpose is to warn of certain content that people may not want to see rather than content that could trigger someone. It’s more encompassing and doesn’t imply someone needs to be particularly affected by something to want to avoid it. 

  • How do you properly make a trigger or content warning?

Most people on Tumblr format their warnings like this: #cw trigger or #tw trigger.

In reality, it’s much more useful and more likely to be caught by blacklist scripts to format it like: #trigger or #trigger cw or #trigger tw. Most blacklists work in a manner that recognizes the order of words rather than the words used themselves. As such, making sure the trigger is the first word makes it much more likely to be picked up on.

On a related note, some people don’t want their warnings to be able to be found through searching or through their /tagged/ posts. The way to avoid your trigger tags showing up in tag searches is to either make sure it is not one of the first five tags of an original post, or to add a random string of numbers or letters, slashes (/), or other scrambles after the trigger, such as: #trigger //// or #trigger 04958093

I think that’s about all I have to say.

Gone are the days of Be kind, rewind, but now it’s: don’t be a jag, know how to tag. 

Kids might not be saying that, but we can make it a thing. 

(via whoneedssexed)

tags content safety

nawbabe asked:

MGSRI marginalized gender sexual and romantic identities is more precise and less ambiguously, semantically worded. mogai gives an implication that only orientations are marginalized? it still contributes to the erasure of romantic identities as valid? identities/alignment has some strange connotations because the backside of that is 'misaligned'? & above all, the word minorities has a strong racial foundation and should not be appropriated.

The CSPH Answer:

This was rad to read, and I will definitely keep it in mind in the future. Thanks!

"While it is true that gender and sex are different things, and that gender is indeed a social construct, sex isn’t the Ultimate Biological Reality that transphobes make it out to be. There’s nothing intrinsically male about XY chromosomes, testosterone, body hair, muscle mass or penises. If an alien civilization found earth, they wouldn’t look at a person with a penis and say “Oh, that must be a male, sex based on genitalia is the One Universal Constant.” Sex, like gender, is indeed socially constructed and can be changed.

If sex isn’t the All Mighty Binary Universal Constant that some people think it is, why do they place so much importance on it? The easy answer is that it gives them an excuse to misgender and exclude trans people, and specifically trans women. They can pretend they’re just standing up for science, but they’re really just saying that trans women aren’t fully women and that trans men aren’t fully men. People need to start learning about what sex really is and what social constructs really are. People need to stop misusing biology and spreading ignorance and misunderstanding. People need to stop looking for excuses for their anti-trans bigotry. All of this needs to stop and it needs to stop now."
- It’s Time For People to Stop Using the Social Construct of “Biological Sex” to Defend Their Transmisogyny | Autostraddle (via brutereason)

(via brutereason)

LGBTQ trans* gender binary gender

transgirladventures:


This example is mostly in ‘female-empowerment’ circles, but it comes up everywhere. Binary Trans people are expected to live up to ridiculous extremes for their gender in order to be accepted as credible. And if we don’t, then we get the lovely comment of “If you wanted to do X so much, why didn’t you just stay as your birth gender”. THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS. And most people aren’t even conscious of it. But if you have ever thought that of course that transwoman didn’t pass, she won’t even shave her legs! Or that transman shouldn’t be wearing such feminine clothes YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM. YOU ARE SUPPORTING AND FORCING GENDER STEREOTYPES ON US. AND WE WANT YOU TO STOP.

My boyfriend wrote a lovely rant to go with this post.

Abolish the idea of ‘passing.’ 

transgirladventures:

This example is mostly in ‘female-empowerment’ circles, but it comes up everywhere. Binary Trans people are expected to live up to ridiculous extremes for their gender in order to be accepted as credible. And if we don’t, then we get the lovely comment of “If you wanted to do X so much, why didn’t you just stay as your birth gender”. THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS. And most people aren’t even conscious of it. But if you have ever thought that of course that transwoman didn’t pass, she won’t even shave her legs! Or that transman shouldn’t be wearing such feminine clothes YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM. YOU ARE SUPPORTING AND FORCING GENDER STEREOTYPES ON US. AND WE WANT YOU TO STOP.

My boyfriend wrote a lovely rant to go with this post.

Abolish the idea of ‘passing.’ 

(via holisticsexualhealth)

feminism LGBTQ gender identity gender

Anonymous asked:

Hello! 20 year old cis straight (maybe bi?) girl here. Both my boyfriend and I are ardent feminists, but at the same time I really like being submissive in bed. While I know that lots of female feminists are into that, I have difficulty 'justifying' it to myself, somehow? I was wondering, what are the arguments that make submissiveness 'ok' for feminsts, so to say? (apart from the obvious 'Feminism is about choice' one, of course) Thanks so much! x

The CSPH Answer:

fuckyeahsexpositivity:

Besides “feminism is about choice”? How about:

  • Being submissive does not make you weak.
  • Being submissive does not make you lesser than.
  • If your significant other was in one room and you were in another, and they said, “Sweetie, could you grab that pen for me on the desk next to you?”, no one would fall into conniptions if you got it for them, even though, in that instant, you were taking orders and they were giving them. Being submissive is just taking that moment of “doing a thing for my SO” and extending it for greater time spans and to different contexts. Your relationship happens to extend it to the bedroom.
  • It’s not someone else’s job to police how you have your relationship set up. The only people who should care about who does the dishes, who buys the groceries, and who does what in bed is you and your partner, no one else.

—BB

kinks feminism sex submissive

People: Like no offense to asexuals or anything but I'm afraid of new sexualities coming in and making the LGBTQIAP+ longer.

Asexual: Oh! Use MOGAI! It stands for Marginalized Orientations, Gender Alignments, and Intersex. It's more inclusive, sounds cute, and I don't think it'll get longer!

People: And now even aromantic people are trying to get in on this? Like "A is for asexuals and aromantics, not allies". Soon it'll have to be LGBTQIAAP+! Oh yeah. Forgot agender! AAAP.

Aromantic: We don't want to inconvenience you with our presence. That's why we already came up with a solution. Can you please switch to MOGAI?

People: If only there was a way that we could be inclusive and not have to say a mouthful....

Pansexual: *CHEERS MAKING LOUD NOISES* MOGAI!!!

Person: I guess we may never know....

I have never heard about this, but from the outside it seems like a good idea...would anyone like to weigh in on this?

LGBTQ MOGAI

conjecturesandconversations:

vapidprofoundsubversive:

sandhalp:

flordenopal:

wellesleyunderground:

Excited to read @nytmag piece “The Men of Wellesley.” Would love to hear from alums who interviewed for the piece!

KADEN!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

LAHKFLDKSJFKL

OH MY GOOOOOOOD THIS IS AMAZING
I’M SO PROUD!!!!!! I’M SO PROUD THIS IS AMAZING

This is so important; there’s more to the trans* movement than Laverne Cox and Janet Mock. Wonderful as they are, I’m ecstatic to see the spotlight widen. 

conjecturesandconversations:

vapidprofoundsubversive:

sandhalp:

flordenopal:

wellesleyunderground:

Excited to read @nytmag piece “The Men of Wellesley.” Would love to hear from alums who interviewed for the piece!

KADEN!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

LAHKFLDKSJFKL

OH MY GOOOOOOOD THIS IS AMAZING

I’M SO PROUD!!!!!! I’M SO PROUD THIS IS AMAZING

This is so important; there’s more to the trans* movement than Laverne Cox and Janet Mock. Wonderful as they are, I’m ecstatic to see the spotlight widen. 

(via costumesandconversations)

trans* LGBTQ NYT Wellesley

"Above anything else, stay true to yourself. Whether that means for you that you like to have blue hair, or you don’t like to drink, or you are attracted to the same sex, or you want to remove yourself from Facebook, or you’ve got 3 different kids from 3 different dads but you know you’re a really good mom, or you cry for a week because your turtle died. Whatever your truth is, stay true to yourself. But be a good person while you’re at it."
- Gillian Anderson’s advice for young feminists (via katiebishop)

(Source: foxsmulders, via gettingbetteratfightingthefuture)

Feminism self love self positivity Gillian Anderson